another one of those random moods...

well its been long since ive done this...
too much has happened since ive last blogged but i rather not talk about it now since its gonna take ages so ill leave it for another time
atm i feel like i really need someone here tbh
someone i can love
i have a gf at the moment but i hardly see her since shes so far away
i might get to see her soon but it wont be for awhile and idk whether ill look forward to it or not
its just been quite awhile since ive got imitamate with someone and just need someone to...y'know lol
it sounds quite sad but i cant help it. im alrite with my gf but im not proper in love with her
i wanna be mesmerized by someone, someone i can be fully in love with.
i love my gf to bits but this is just one of those weird feelings.
long distance relationships can do this to ppl and i would know since ive been in plenty of them.
i woke up this morning, proper hateing my gf for some reason. it was mainly coz of the fact how she never really text me much coz she didnt wanna waste her 500 texts so soon but then i had 100 left so i dont see why shes worrying. but then again when she did have loads of texts she would text me non-stop and always get worried and i used to get annoyed by it so it goes both ways really. idk...im having seconds thoughts about this and i think its because i got other shit going on aswell which could be affecting this whole situation.
im gonna need fags and booze to get through this one...

night

another blog to do whilst being very very bored...

Tuesday 22nd July 2008 Time: 10.40pm

I rarely do these anymore. Mainly coz i never seem bothered to do it. But I'm doing it today coz im sooooooooo fucking bored. Like there is no one to chat to, no sites I can go on since I've been on them 5 times in a row! I've been so bored tht i've slept twice hoping tht it could pass the time but it didnt. I'm not even in the mood to play my guitar. just anything in general. not even tv can satisfy my mood. Not only has boredom infected my skull but its stress aswell. And the more stressed I am the more I smoke. Which I don't like coz I don't wanna be a chain smoker. But i cant help it. I'm having relationship issues. Well idk if i should call it tht but its more like trying to avoid my gf as much as possible. To be honest, i dont even want to consider her as my gf anymore. I've put with her for 2 months now and its been hell. It wasn't really a good idea hooking up with her during my exams either since i couldn't concentrate properly.
I had alot of problems with tht girl honestly. The fact tht i had to spend alot of money just to see tht chick and spend time with her which was a complete waste! Honestly...going on a date with her was no different than hanging out with a friend. The fact tht she wasn't completely open about her sexuality made it difficult to be with her in public. I couldnt hold her hand in public, i couldnt kiss her in public. even in the damn cinema she didnt wanna kiss! It was stupid! I sometimes questioned myself, are we even a couple? at times, i had to understand coz i wasnt completely open either but im an affectionate person and i like to show someone how much i care about them from time to time. But resisting tht urge makes it hard to show ur feelings and then leads you to stay tht way which is the state im in now.
Another problem was that she was majorly immature. shes 2 years younger than me and acts like a fucking 6 year old. Honest to god, she'd go dramatic over the smallest things. even my friends agree. I know 10 year olds tht are more mature than her and i tried to be patient with her, actually hoping she'd grow up a bit but i had enough of it and decided not to waste my time.
Also, she was majorly horny. Idk when this girl doesnt think about sex. But tbh who doesnt? Its like a number 1 priority for ppl which is sad tbh. Of course I don't mind sex but every bloody second of the day is just sad. Also my past relationships ive had with ppl were also like tht so it really pissed me off tht this girl wasnt any different. Everytime i'd speak to her on the fone she'd mention the word 'pussy' all the fucking time and there'd be times when id just laugh it off and then there'd be times where id just be silent and ignore it. Which reminds me, our fone conversations were annoying aswell. She'd sing the first line of the chorus to tht amerie song and it'd drive me up the fucking wall! She'd be like 'but this is ur song' and id just be wanting to knife her throat.
I guess the last thing i should mention is tht she has over 1000 contacts on msn who are mostly dudes. And when i was round her house they even tried flirting with her so tht kinda made me curious. Idk how the fuck she managed to get 2 boyfriends with a 1000 contacts on msn. And then she goes pissy to me when i talk to a girl about us. lol it makes me laugh (hence the 'lol').
I can go on all day on wht pisses me off about this girl but I don't wanna break my fingers from typing tht much. Basically i had enough and i aint gonna fucking speak to her again. she was a waste of my time and i regret even being with her. I'm ignoring all her fone calls and everything. Tht bitch doesnt ever deserve a word from me.
So thts one thing thts been stressing me out alot. Another is being stuck in this bloody house everyday for the whole fucking summer! Its not even fucking august yet and its driving me insane! I wanna go out more often but its like a big massive issue for my mum coz she likes keeping me here for some stupid reason and wht does she need me for??? I aint exactly doing anything. This is the reason why i need a job. to get out the house as much as i possibly can. But no success there. I've already applied to 3 jobs since i finished college (i know it aint much but its hard finding a job tht fits ur criteria) and nothing. Still waiting on replies which i prolly might not even get.
Ha on a side note my (now) ex just called. Its good having ur fone on silent. since i cant block a specific persons calls thts my only option. She'll give up eventually. I know she will. I'm not exactly hard to get over lol
Oo also I've been wathcing alot of lesbian stuff. (Mainly movies not porn) Its a good thing lol But bad in a way coz it makes me want a girlfriend even more haha. But also good coz it makes me get over sammi more X)
Anyways now tht im getting over this chick. I'm on a search to find a new one. Well...id doubt id ever find one thts better than sammi but w/e. I think its my number 1 priority atm. That and getting a job lol
Right...i think i babbled on for enough. I need a smoke aswell. It was nice letting things out. I might do this more often considering ill most likely be bored in the very near future.

Lates.

philippines

Saturday 15th March 2008 11:17pm

so a week has passed since i left philippines. I cant believe its actually been a week now. i still remember it like yesterday.. its kinda weird. idk wht to feel about it. in a way im happy coz im not bored tht much and the fact i got so pissed with certain things and ppl there. but in another way im sad coz i miss my cousins alot and i miss spending time with them. and i realised tht their the only ppl i can talk to about things unlike friends where they only talk about themselves. *sigh* its hard. even after a week im still thinking about them. idk how long it'll take to get my mind off it but it definitely will take awhile. its kinda weird how before i went to philippines i never bothered to come online for mikki and margiebel. the conversations became pointless after awhile and i didnt wanna bother. but now im staying on yahoo as much as i can just to see if they'll be online and im always checking my friendster waiting for a message or a testimonial...god i hope i get over this soon. its tearing me apart thinking about it. its like i wanna do as much as i can just to bring them here. I think it'd be the best thing in the world to have them here but i know it'll take years for tht time to come. but if it does....ill be more happier than i am now...

MORE COMMENT SHIT

• but u make it look sexy...damn..u look..ill tell ya l8ter.
• haha so does my mom lol
• hey man whts up i just got back from holiday florida wht u been up to man?? hit me back.
• Damn women tight playlist i like all them songs love the site:)
• yo wa sup? merry christmas so yea ill ttyl.
• sup? thnx for the pic comment.
• HAHAHA WHO U MARRIDE TO???
• Thnx for the comments sexy ttyl peace.
• hey u...i just got back home like 40 minutes ago lol so...whts up?? i missed ya
• HEY BADASS PROFILE SONG BTW;)
• yea....iv changed a lil bit well im on yahoo so hit me up there babe peace&love
• Brian.
• HEY U GOT NO TOP ON:p
• hey this was back around when me and u first started chatting on myspace lol
• lol rest is good.
  
  i cant get no rest though:P insomnia sux balls
• hey happy x mas eve srry i cant get u anything.....yet;) ttyl.
  
  
• hey jessie merry christmas!!:)
  http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c373/superslipknotgod/x%20mas/elf.gif
• jc gonna be going to tampa tomarow...what u doin tomarow?
• wa sup woman ima call u at bout 8-830 ttyl peace.
• I love you too babygirl, you're my one and only!
• Haha, I love you babe!
• Hey Babe, just lettin you know I love you and that I'm waitin for you. I know you won't get this until you got ur internet bck with basic, but I'm just lettin you know I'm thinkin about you when you're gone.
• Hey Babe, Happy Birthday!
  
  
  
  

These Feelings

I never wanted to feel this way

I'm thinking about you everyday

But I'm trying to pull myself away

from you

It seems like this more than just a crush

I try so hard but i soon give up

I'm just so hooked onto you

But i never wanted to........

Have these feelings

They're so hard to get through

All these feelings

Make it hard to let myself go from you

I knew that you liked someone else

But that never stopped me, it never did

I should've convinced myself

this aint so worth it after all

Why do i still give myself false hope

If love was money then i'd be broke

But im just so hooked onto you

and i never wanted to......

Have these feelings

They're so hard to get through

All these feelings

Make it hard to let myself go from you

Have these feelings

They're so hard to get through

All these feelings

Make it hard to let myself go from you

I never wanted to feel this way

But you're making it harder everyday

Im trying to pull myself away

Pulling myself away.........

Month without no internet (blog 13)

Blog 13 Date: Monday 7th January 2008 Time: 7:15am

So today is finally the big day.....well not tht big, im just going to college lol But tht means tht my christmas holiday is finally over. *sigh* its been a tough one...but i managed to get through it. ahh i woke up too early today. I woke up at 6.30am and my train doesnt leave til 8.48am. But its a monday today and its guaranteed to be busy annnd im guessing theres gonna be a big ass line at the ticket office so im being extra careful lol But i shoulda woke up at 7am coz otherwise i wouldnt be wasting my time doing this lol I actually want this day to skip ahead already coz im looking forward to tuesday.....coz im finally seeing jodie X) she has mondays off so i wont see her today. I dnt even know if ill see ramz today! Ah well, ill just forget it and go along with it. I just hope today aint too much of a bitch.....or at least...this year aint too much of a bitch lol Anyways, i realised something about jodie 2 days ago and it hasnt gotten out of my head since. She invited me to this site she goes onto called Crunchyroll and i went on her profile to look at the comments and this one dude was asking her if shes got a boyfriend or likes anyone and she said she didnt but she liked one of her mates....who was a dude. So thts kinda struck me out a bit, and this time im definitely sure its a dude coz i know she has quite a few guy mates and when i see her hang out with them she tends to kinda act differently towards them or idk its hard to explain but from wht i know she definitely likes someone and it aint me but for some reason i still cant get over her. its like with Anne for example (girl from college i used to like, now one of ramz mates) i liked her despite her liking the drummer from My Chemical romance....now thts kinda different because hes a dude in a well known band and jodie likes someone who she "actually" knows and its one of her mates. So i dont think there will ever be something. But i just cant get over her! Its annoying! Its gonna take awhile i think like most girls i fancied but i think this one will take awhile considering its someone i actually know and talk to. *sigh* its gonna be tough thts all ill say.

Oo i almost forget im getting the internet bck on thursday!! Hopefully..........but apparently we're gonna get a new livebox and HOPEFULLY it'll be sorted by then but i still feel like its a long way away. But ill try to manage. I dnt think ill be using my bros laptop now tht im going bck to college. Coz ill be using the computers there but there wont be much to do. Like for example, last night, i was using the laptop....i went on every site i usually go on for a couple of hours and jodie stopped talking to me on crunchyroll and i just got bored! I was seriously trying to think of something to do but i couldnt! And because i knew it was gonna be my last time using the laptop fully i spent the remaining time i had left trying to get guitar tabs to play to while i wait for the livebox to arrive. But i picked some hard tabs to understand ¬_¬ But anyways, ill just hope there is something to do on the computers today coz i have a feeling ramz wont be in today so ill need to use the computers. and i gotta spare time coz i finish at 3.15 and thts when all the schoolkids rush in at the station.

Right, i think thts enough blogging for today. If im in the mood and not tht tired then maybe ill blog when i come bck home. And i need to get ready for college so laters!

Month without no internet (blog 12)

Blog 12 Date: Sunday 6th January 2008 Time: 1:39pm

So it's the last day of my holiday. It felt like this holiday was so long to get through and i think the reason why is coz i had no internet and i realised how slow time goes by when im not using it. Coz usually when i do use it time goes by like really fast coz theres like so much to do tht u never really bother on looking at the time. But moving tht aside ill talk about today. Chris is at caz's at the mo (thank god) but he'll be bck today soon so i wouldnt celebrate too long. alan went to work with my dad and i was here with my mum. I got up at 8am and realised alan and my dad went to work so i quickly went for the laptop! But wht i wasnt expecting was tht the internet got disconnected. Now im not an expert on laptops but from wht i know with wht happened to it 'the wireless switch wasnt on' according to the laptop. and i didnt even know how to turn tht switch bck on...yet alone if there was one! So here i was, panicking away, trying to fix it and i seriously tried everything! I tried using our old usb adsl modem and tht didnt work, then i used alan's bluetooth usb and tht didnt work. After over half an hour trying, i gave up. And went bck to sleep and luckily i did coz its my last day and all and i need all the sleep i can get for tomorrow! So i slept for another 3 hours, tried again and didnt work and went bck to sleep again but not for long coz i couldnt lol and i got a text from jodie wanting to chat coz she was bored at work. I started to worry for a bit on how i was gonna text her bck because my dad wasnt home and his fone wasn’t there and i didnt have any cred left on my fone....well except for one text but im saving it if there is no other option lol but luckily i went downstairs and came across my mums fone which surprinsingly had credit! yay! so i text her bck and after like 2 or 3 texts she stopped and i got sad:( lol ahh ill get over it. Im seeing her on tuesday anyway....maybe lol Coz she asked me when ill be at college and she hasnt text bck yet so i dnt know whts gonna happen. Idk if im meeting up with rob on tuesday coz now tht the train times have changed im not sure wht time he gets the train so its all confusing for me at the moment but ill just forget about it and just think about tomorrow. Also, ramz, idk if hes bck from bahrain yet! He said he'll be bck before college starts or i think he mite miss 1 or 2 days idk. I would text him but i know tht bumflum wont text bck. Wahey! jodie finally text me bck!! But problem is shes still at work so its taking her quite long to text bck. And the internet on the laptop is working! But im waiting for my bro to go and my mum to finish looking at flights on there. Hmmm i feel like i wanted to talk about something else but i guess thts it. Im not really looking forward to college tomorrow but ill try to make the most of my last month before i go to philippines. Anyways, ill blog later. Peace.