Month without no internet (blog 2)

Blog 2 Date: Sunday 30th December 2007 Time: 4:06pm

So here i am again....bored but feeling even more miserable. Still no internet and whts even worse i cant use my bros laptop. and thts because he caught me using it 2 days ago and decided to change the password once again and this time....i cant figure it out. i tried everything and still nothing. So i dnt know what to do now. I was actually thinkin of walking to the internet cafe down farnharm road but i dnt have enough money...well i do but tht money is for college and ramsey's b-day present. Whats bringing me down even more is tht my dad keeps making me feel bad about not talking to my mum coz i havent talked to her for like 2 months now over my weight. now my dad wont stop going on about it and its making me feel even more worse. i think he likes reminding me how bad my weight is. idk why but i think my parents are twisted like tht. i know how bad my weight is. i dnt have to be reminded everyday about it coz the more they do the more i wont listen to them and the more it'll just make things worse. I seriously would like to go out but i rather be with someone to do it, not on my own. I used to do exercise before but i stopped for some reason. I guess i couldnt be bothered anymore. Thing is, for me to lose weight, i'd rather be doing something where it feels like im not being forced into it. I wanna be doing something im enjoying not something tht i HAVE to do. but my parents dont understand....they never do.
8 more days til i go college. Well....thts if i can go. I still feel uncomfortable askin my mum for money. I dont think she knows the day im going back so i guess i have to force myself to ask her. I just wish things would be the way they were again but tbh idk whether id be happy with it. because even when we were ok with each other i always thought that she never really cared for me and never really showed much affection. it always felt like she was given it to chris and alan more than to me. i know i done alot of wrong in my life but who doesnt? the only reason why i lead myself to do certain things is coz no one really shows me love or comfort. thts why im the way i am now. i feel so spiteful towards others and i nearly hate everything and bitch about it all the time.
but bck to the mother issue. i always felt like w/e i do for my mum. she never reallly cared. if i get a good grade in something, she wouldnt care. when i changed the music course i was gonna do at college just to make her happy, she didnt care wht i acheived in the course i was being forced to do. Idk wht i can do, nothing i do will never make my mum happy. i dnt know why i even bother.
last nite i felt like moving out. i seriously did. i wanted to call any of my friends to see if i can move in with them. but....i didnt know wht to decide. so now im stuck here. i dnt know where to go, wht to do. i dnt know how much life is gonna go wrong for me.